BEST OF JODY’S BOX: THE GUY WHO WANTED TO POLISH MY IMAGE

By Jody Weisel

“Hello Jody,” said a guy with his hand out as he walked up to me in the pits at Glen Helen last weekend. “My name is Matt Ruth. I work for the Schizak, Morrow and Plumkin management firm. Could you tell me who represents you?”

“Sorry. I don’t need a lawyer or at least not since that messy exploding toilet incident was dropped,” I said.

“Oh no, I’m not a lawyer,” he said. “I’m in personal management. Schizak, Morrow and Plumkin represent some of the biggest names in sports. We handle public relations, sponsorship, speaking engagements, book tours and investment counseling.”

“What does any of that have to do with me?” I asked..

“You are just the kind of client we are looking for. You’re an important influencer of ideas and opinions.  According to our mass market surveys you are considered to be an influential, high-profile voice and recklessly opinionated. we like that. Most of all, you are blessed with an amazingly high Q-score,” he said as he sat down next to me.

“I’m not interested.” I said, “I already have a religion of my own and I’m happy with my long distance carrier.”

“Just hear me out,” said Matt Ruth without skipping a beat. “What I’m offering you is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to cash in on your position in life. A chance to polish your image. To become bigger than life. Believe me, I know all the steps. I’ve worked with some of the biggest names in sports. Let me give you a few ideas.”

“Okay, but my second moto is coming up soon. You have until then to polish my image, but not a second longer. What do you have in mind?” I said.

“We had the junior account executives at our West Coast office work up a complete portfolio on you. Here is what we came up with,”  said Matt with a grin.. “First, why did you drop your traditional number 192. You were synonymous with that number, but we haven’t seen you run it lately. That, according to our blind opinion polls is a mistake. Latching onto a number is like staking a claim to a gold mine. Toys, video games, bobble heads and graphics could account for $125,000 a year in ancillary income—but only if you maintain a strong symbolic numerical attachment.”

“I still run number 192 on my personal bike,” I said, “but most of the time I race test bikes. They have the number designated for them by the magazine. Not every bike in MXA can have 192 on it.”

“Why not?” asked Matt. “All I ask is that you think about it.”

“Probably not gonna happen,” I said.

“Secondly, do you have any tattoos? If you do we’d like to see you rip your shirt off more often, perhaps make snarling sounds, swear like a sailor and stick your mouth over the microphone when you are doing interviews. That way you’ll be considered a rebellious anti-hero. We can sell that image to the energy drink companies,” said Matt Ruth.

“Sorry. I don’t have any tattoos. I haven’t ripped my shirt off since that day in the Boy Scouts when it caught fire. I don’t like swearing, I don’t do interviews and I don’t drink that swill.”

“We’ll fix all of that in due time,” said Matt. “I noticed that you’re wearing a ball cap. We like that at Schizak, Morrow and Plumkin. Caps deliver high content impressions in photographs—if they have the name of sponsors on them. For example, we could get you about $25,000 if you would agree to wear a hat with the Bud Lite logo on it every time your photo appears in MXA. The only catch is that you’d need to wear the cap backwards. According to market research, college age kids are more liking to buy beer from a spokesman if his hat is on backwards.”

“No offense,” I said, “but the bill of the cap is designed to block the sun. If I wear it backwards, not only will the sun shine in my eyes, but I’ll look like every other wannabe goon on the planet.”

“No, you won’t,” said Matt. “Wannabe goons are wearing their hats sideways this year. Backwards is for more serious endorsers, like yourself.”

“Are there any other clothing mandates?” I asked.

“We have three copy writers working on not only a nickname for you, but also on a cartoon character to go with it. The logo will be sewn on the back of your leathers, on the bill of your cap, on your jacket pocket and on three million T-shirts that we plan to sell at Walmart for $6.85. You’ll get one percent of gross.”

“Why don’t you have your people call my people,” I said in a shallow attempt to blow the guy off.

“Do you already have representation?” Asked Matt Ruth in a high-pitched whine. “Who got to you first? Was it Andy Bluth from Vogel and Sang? You can’t trust them,” he blurted out.

“Calm down,” I said. “I don’t really have people. I don’t need people.”

“Sure you do,” said Matt Ruth. “How else will you ever get into People magazine?””

“That’s no problem. I figured that once the world found out about Mrs. Taylor Swift-Weisel that I’d be assured a spot,” I said with a laugh and with that I pulled my helmet on and headed to the starting line for my second moto. Matt Ruth of Schizak, Morrow and Plumkin was gone when I came back.