By Jody Weisel

Motocross is 25 percent machine and 75 percent man. In admiration of that old saw of information I feel that I have given short shrift to the widgets of the rich and famous; the Maltese Falcons; the Holy Grails; the stuff of dreams. In other words—hard parts. Here are the inanimate objects that I loved over the years—whether they are still available doesn’t matter, because when they were for sale I got one…sometimes two. Do you remember any of these winners?

Adjustable fuel screws: We must wield these midget screwdrivers like sabers. Those who don’t, burble.

Tools: A lot of people are afraid that some day machines will rule the world, but not if I work on them.

Owner’s manuals: When reading the owner’s manual for your bike its best to remember that experts steered the Titanic, but amateurs crewed the lifeboats. For example, I once bought a new computer, it didn’t come with an printed owners manual, they told me that I had to go on the internet to find out how to get my new computer to go on the internet.

Preprinted numbers. I have an embarrassing confession to make. After I get my numbers preprinted on number plate backgrounds by Decal Works, I cut the number out with a pair of scissors because its easier to stick the numbers on that way.

Oversize handlebars: According to scientific tests it takes 900 pounds of force to bend an over-size handlebar. With this knowledge I have determined that I can put off starting that diet for a little bit longer.

Fox Shuttle gear bag. I loved this gear bag—even though they changed it and I didn’t like the new one. I loved my old one for a variety of reasons, but mostly because every time I looked in the bottom of it I found some treasure I lost weeks ago.

Canopy Cool. On a 106-degree Glen Helen day, I can rest between motos in a rain forest mist provided by the cigarette lighter of the Jodymobile.

Heat tape. Just like the tear-off I pulled off after the checkered flag, I never remember to check my engine’s temperature until 20 minutes after the moto is over.

Leather boots. Plastic is for fenders. I’m into cowhide.

Colored tear-offs: When JT got out of the motocross business, the supply of colored tear-offs dried up. It was a brilliant idea that never caught on.

Vintage bikes. The bikes of the olden days were agricultural, sturdy and simple looking. That may be a nice definition of a race bike, but you wouldn’t date a girl like that.

Mechanix Wear gloves. You used to have to know something about motorcycles to be a considered a great mechanic. Now all you need is a pair of these gloves.

Grip donuts. The easiest way to recognize another motocrossers is by the round scar on the back of his thumb.

Bike names. What’s with the alphanumeric bike designations (RM-Z250, CRF450, KX250F, etc)? Let’s return to the good old days when bikes had personalities and names to match like Stiletto, Pursang, Elsinore, Griffon, Super Rat, Gold Star or Green Streak.

Magnetic drain plugs: The first time you hear your four-stroke emit a strange sound you need to shut it down. A magnetic drain plug is the quickest way to tell if you if your kill button finger was fast enough.

Knee braces. If you’ve ever wonder whether you should wear knee braces, ask yourself this question, “Is the pain in my knees worse than the pain of wearing knee braces?”

Sag scale. The best way to tell a serious racer from a play rider is by his sag scale. The folding Noleen scale is the Volvo of tape measures. The Motool V4 Slacker sag scale is the Ferrari of sag scales.

Mountain bike shocks: Who’d a thunk that pedal bike would have higher-tech shocks than most AMA National privateers?

Team Hawg MX EZ-Up. At $260 this is the best bargain in hydraulic workshop bike stands, but I just like to say the name real fast ten times.

Sans-a-belt: If it wasn’t for this pant closure system I wouldn’t have anything to wear at the races the week after Thanksgiving.

Rolex watch. Unlike the new breed of motocross stars, I’m too conservative with my money to spend thousands of dollars on a watch—when I could use that money to put fuel in my Varga Kachina airplane.

Flywheel weights. Tuning that you buy by the pound.

Billy Who Man Funnel. It looks like a melted Barbie Doll, but it’s the best way to get oil out of a old-school CRF450. Who is Billy? Billy Frank—1985 AMA Rookie of the Year.

Duckbill visors. The last man to wear a duckbill visor was legendary SoCal racer Duckbill Dave Sarian. The last guy to go fast wearing a duckbill visor was Bob Hannah. Sorry Dave.

Dunlop Race Replicas. Ain’t life grand? The pitiful engine on my box-stock bike is connected to the ground by works tires (sort of like Citation pulling a donkey cart).

Boyesen. Lots of stuff in the motorcycle industry is just a copy of something that somebody else built first. That is called design by Xerox. Boyesen’s stuff is always original.


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