BEST OF JODY’S BOX: PRIEST, RABBI, BARTENDER & MECHANIC

By Jody Weisel

My bike blew up last weekend. A hose fell off the cylinder head, and all the water escaped. I didn’t notice it until a cloud of steam drifted up and fogged my goggle lens. If I had been a factory rider, my mechanic would have broken a new bike out of the crate and I’d have been on my merry way. When somebody asks what happened to a Factory bike that breaks, the team hands them a press release that says the bike has suffered ignition failure. “Ignition failure” is a factory code phrase; it means that the piston came flying through the top end and lopped the ignition coil off the frame. Conversely, “ran out of gas” is factory-speak for the piston came through the top end with such force that it broke a hole in the gas tank and all the fuel ran out. “Undiagnosed” is what the factory calls it when the truth would scare customers away.

I HAVE LEARNED, THROUGH TRIAL AND ERROR THAT DEALING WITH MY FRIENDLY LOCAL MECHANIC ON A ONE-TO-ONE BASIS IS FRAUGHT WITH PERIL.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a factory ride (although I’m still hopeful about next year). So, when my engine blows up, I drag my bike down to my friendly local mechanic. I can’t hand him the “ignition failure” press release, because he can see the red rag that I stuffed in the hole. I have learned, through trial and error that dealing with my friendly local mechanic on a one-to-one basis is fraught with peril. It’s never a pleasant experience, but if I deal with him gingerly, I can get my bike fixed, get the bill paid and be out the door with marginal trauma.

Perhaps my many experiences with mechanics can help you. To that end, I present 10 tips that will make you a better customer.

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR MECHANIC TO SHARE IN YOUR DISCOMFORT
Hey, it’s not his bike. A professional mechanic must maintain his objectivity. Do not try to sway him with a sob story. We all know that you want your bike fixed and back on the track 10 minutes after you brought it in, but remember, the mechanic wanted to go riding 10 minutes before you brought it in.

2. A CLEAN BIKE EQUALS A CLEAN MIND
Taking a dirty bike to a mechanic is like eating peanut brittle before visiting the dentist. Both the dentist and the mechanic can still fix the problem…but do you think they want to?

3. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
Your friendly local mechanic leads a busy and harried life. He rarely receives the milk of human kindness. People only come to him when they are in trouble. They are always remorseful and often in denial. They mistakenly think the mechanic can provide absolution. He can’t. He’s a mechanic, not a priest or bartender. Don’t burden him with your woes; however, it’s in your best interest to show up friendly, respectful and bearing gifts. A box of chocolates would be nice.

4. DON’T SUFFER FROM BREAKDOWNS BEYOND YOUR MEANS
It is sheer arrogance to develop a mechanical problem that you cannot afford to fix.

5. DO NOT CALL EVERY DAY TO SEE IF IT IS DONE
When you call a mechanic to ask if your bike is fixed yet, don’t be surprised if he replies that it would be if he didn’t have to answer the phone every three minutes.

6. PAY YOUR REPAIR BILL PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY
You should consider it your duty to help provide for the care and feeding of the mechanic and his family. Getting irate over the amount of the bill is not good for three reasons: frowning causes wrinkles, he might leave a screwdriver in your cases, and your bike might break again.

7. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE REPAIR DOESN’T FIX THE PROBLEM
You must have faith in your mechanic. If your bike isn’t performing up to par, and you have it fixed and it’s still not performing, maybe you’re the problem.

8. DON’T ENGAGE IN SELF-DIAGNOSIS
You may feel that you have impressed the mechanic when you push your bike into his shop and say, “The big end bearing went out and needle bearings scored the cylinder walls.” But, when the mechanic discovers that you were running fuel for your YZ450F four-stroke in your YZ250 two-stroke, your phony facade will crumble. You would never think of telling your doctor, “The bowels have ruptured and I need a resection.”

9. NEVER USE THE NAME OF YOUR MECHANIC IN VAIN
The relationship with your mechanic is a privileged one. You have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. Any shortcomings that have come to light in the course of getting your bike fixed should go to the grave with you. Failure to remain discreet could result in you going to your grave earlier than you planned.

10. ALWAYS SUFFER BREAKDOWNS SERIOUS ENOUGH TO BE TREATED
Always remember that your friendly local mechanic has a professional reputation to uphold. Seventy-five percent of all the work forms that he gets in his shop say “WILL NOT RUN” on the repair tag. Twenty-five percent of these are simply out of gas, 15 percent have fouled spark plugs, 14 percent have a rag in the airbox, 10 percent should have had a rag in the airbox because you left the air filter on your workbench, 9 percent suffer from all three of the above problems, and the remaining 27 percent actually have something wrong with them.