BEST OF JODY’S BOX: RULE CHANGES MY BUDDIES AT THE AMA SHOULD IMPLEMENT IMMEDIATELY

By Jody Weisel

(1) The AMA reserves the right to change, alter or revise any rule at any time—even if it changed, revised and altered that same rule last week. Actually, this idea doesn’t make much sense, since the AMA doesn’t enforce any of its rules without first consulting Honda.

(2) I like the idea of having an alcohol-free spectator zones, but it doesn’t work because it makes it seem like 90 percent of the spectators are drunk when we all knows it’s only 78 percent. Instead, one spectator zone of every race track should be reserved for the alcohol-soaked crowd. Jack Daniels or Budweiser would kill to sponsor it. To encourage the drunken fans to sit in this section, it will be mandatory that the drunk-section fans be allowed to throw bottles at the riders they don’t like.

IN FACT, LET’S DROP THE 450CC DISPLACEMENT LIMIT, THE WEIGHT LIMIT, THE 16-YEAR-OLD RULE AND THE DRUG POLICY—THOSE THINGS ARE HOLDING US BACK. WHAT THIS SPORT NEEDS IS A HOPPED-UP, 15-YEAR-OLD, HIGH-SCHOOL DROPOUT ON 180-POUND CRF690.

(3) Let’s drop the production rule. Why? It only keeps the privateers on production bikes. It hasn’t stopped the factory teams from using one-off gearboxes, creative valves angles, non-production heads and different frame geometries. In fact, let’s drop the 450cc displacement limit, the weight limit, the 16-year-old rule and the drug policy—those things are holding us back. What this sport needs is a hopped-up, 15-year-old, high-school dropout on 180-pound CRF690.

(4) If a rider shows up on the podium holding an energy drink can, it has to contain the actual energy drink (instead of water). And, he must take a big gulp, so we can see the face he makes as he swallows it, before being allowed to thrust it into the camera shot.

(5) It’s obvious that the goofy yellow track markers don’t keep the riders on the track, so, the AMA should award the rider who hits the most yellow markers with one bonus AMA point (two if he has any of them stuck in his swingarm).

(6) Any spectator who has been involved in a drunken brawl with Jason Lawrence, gotten punched by Tyler Bowers, had Chad Reed tweet angrily about him, or been talked into doing a back flip by Josh Hill will be declared the “Grand Marshall” of the next event. His official duties will be to hold up enough fingers so that the leather-clad girl won’t drop the 30-second board in 4 seconds.

ANY RIDER REQUIRED TO WEAR A COURT-ORDERED ELECTRONIC ANKLE BRACELET WILL BE SEEDED DIRECTLY INTO THE MAIN EVENT. IF IT’S FOR A FELONY, HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO START IN FRONT OF THE GATE.

(7) Since the former owners of Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus are the owners of the Supercross series, at least one starting spot in every main event should be reserved for any chimp, ape, baboon or simian who can ride a bike. This is called “cross promotion”

(8) The speed limit in the pits should be eliminated. The minimum speed should be 35 mph…and it should be strictly enforced. Yes, someone might get hit by a bike, but, on the upside, it could be an AMA official.

(9) Outdoor tracks should be shortened to 1-minute lap times and Supercross to 15 seconds. That way the sponsors, who spend cold hard cash buying repeater banner advertising, will get seen more often. That’s called “lining your pockets.”

(10) Any rider required to wear a court-ordered electronic ankle bracelet will be seeded directly into the main event. If it’s for a felony, he should be allowed to start in front of the gate.

(11) Any TV celebrity from the Disney Channel will automatically be allowed to race. This goes double for rappers and anyone who Taylor Swift wrote a song about; however, if any celebrity does race, throwing bottles will not be limited to the drunk section only.

(12) Any team manager who is upset with the way the sport is being run is free to call whatever AMA official he is talking to at the time “Giuseppe.”

(13) The TV color commentators will, at every race: (A) Start every other sentence with “Back in my day.” (B) Call James Stewart “Ryan Stewart” at least once. (C) Get Ellen DeGeneres to join them in the booth. (D) Butcher the English language badly enough that their fourth grade teacher will try to have their passing grade revoked from Richard Ira Bong Elementary School.

(14) At least 15 minutes of every TV show will have a special behind-the-scenes segment with gratuitous shots of scantily clad Monster Girls, Rockstar girls, Muscle Milk girls or any girl who is seated in the drunk section. This segment will officially be called “I Hope My Mother Isn’t Watching”

(15) The fans get to vote at least once during a race to throw a full-course yellow flag. It will be the motocross version of NASCAR’s “debris on the track” flag. That way, if someone the fans don’t like is winning, they can reset the field and start over. This is only being done for the good of the sport and is in no way singling out Dylan Ferrandis.

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