BEST OF JODY’S BOX: ADVICE IS CHEAP, BUT AMBULANCE RIDES ARE EXPENSIVE

BY JODY WEISEL

Advice is cheap, but ambulance rides are expensive. Remember this the next time some know-it-all in the pits tries to give you the wisdom of all his years of standing on the safe side of the track fence. Here are some typical comments from the peanut gallery at my local track—and my replies.

“THIS IS A MAN’S TRACK. YOU HAVE TO MAN UP.”

“I take that with a grain of salt from a guy giving me advice while wearing earrings and a necklace.”

“WHY DID YOU LET THAT GUY PASS YOU SO EASILY ON THE FIRST LAP?”

“I was saving energy so I could fight him off when he came around to lap me four laps later.”

“IF YOU ARE GONNA TURN IT ON, MAKE SURE YOU TURN IT ON ALL THE WAY.”

“Thanks for the suggestion. Where are you going to be when I need advice on how to get snow-fence splinters out of my pants?”

“YOU ONLY GET OUT OF THIS SPORT WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT.”

“I hope so, because as far as I can tell, I’ve put about $14,000 into it so far this season.”

“WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW?”

“I’m making sure that my lap times don’t fall off late in the moto.”

“YOU CAN JUMP THAT BIG DOUBLE IF YOU JUST LEAVE IT ON.”

“Jump it? It would be a long-distance call if they had phones on the top of each jump.”

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? I’VE WON RACES AT THIS TRACK ON A HONDA, YAMAHA AND SUZUKI.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’ve lost way more races at this track on a Honda, Yamaha, Suzuki and a few brands that aren’t in business anymore.”

“THIS TRACK SEPARATES THE MEN FROM THE BOYS!”

“Not only that, it separated the elastic from my BVDs.”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW SLOW YOU LOOK OUT THERE?”

“No. I was under the illusion that finishing 13th meant that I was fast.”

“YOU LOOK A LOT TALLER IN THE MAGAZINE THAN YOU DO IN PERSON.”

“Not true. I’m never taller than 11 inches in the magazine.”

“HEY, JODY, HOW COME I DIDN’T SEE YOU AT ANY SUPERCROSSES THIS YEAR?”

“That’s strange, because I didn’t see you at any of the 200 Supercross races I went to between 1974 and 2014, either.”

“YOU’RE SLOW. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU USED TO BE A WINNER.”

“I don’t have any more room in my garage for gaudy pieces of gold-flaked plastic.”

“DID YOU JUMP THE BIG DOUBLE OVER BY THE STARTING LINE?”

“No, I was waiting to follow you over it.”

“YOU CAN GO MUCH FASTER BY USING THE OUTSIDE LINE IN THAT CORNER BY THE PITS.”

“Only if I go much faster over a longer distance. I prefer to go slower over a shorter distance.”

“YOU NEED TO STAND UP MORE. YOU SIT DOWN TOO MUCH.”

“I’m waiting for a bump to bounce me to my feet. I save a lot of energy that way.”

“YOU GOTTA RIDE HARDER IN THE NEXT MOTO, BUT BE SURE TO KEEP IT ON TWO WHEELS.”

“How many wheels am I allowed to start with?”

“REMEMBER, SECOND IS THE SAME AS FIRST IN THE FIRST MOTO.”

“That’s what’s wrong with the educational system in this country.”