BEST OF JODY’S BOX: “THE FISH STINKS FROM THE HEAD.”
BY JODY WEISEL
We can’t always defeat the enemy within, because often he is us. That said, it is important that motocross at least make a serious effort to recognize the insidious cultural influences, organizations and policies that, if left unchecked, could change the way we do things. Which, by the way, is wrong (but let’s leave that for another day).
The AMA: The greatest threat facing the sport today is the AMA (which paradoxically has the word “American” in its name, but seems incredibly pinko to me). The last organization to hand down rules by fiat, refuse to communicate with the press, punish riders unfairly, operate by nebulous laws and dress in matching uniforms was formed in a beer hall. Obvious mismanagement, especially on the march to Stalingrad—oops, sorry—has recently led to the constant reorganization of the AMA’s mission. Reorganization is a nifty way of saying the first group of morons did the job wrong, let’s hand it over to the idiots in the other room. Let’s not rush to judgment. The jury is still out on that. News flash! The jury is back. Guilty!
WHEN THE MOB MAJORITY OF THE KEYBOARD COMMANDOS WANTS SOMEONE’S NECK, IT’S NO TIME TO BARGAIN ON THE PRICE OF A ROPE.
Haiden Deegan: Is Haiden the biggest problem facing the sport of motocross? No. He’s not even a little problem—he might even be the savior. So, why am I discussing him? I’m catering to the anti-Haiden majority. I learned long ago that when the mob majority of the Keyboard Commandos wants someone’s neck, it’s no time to bargain on the price of a rope.
Backroom deals: Are all the political backroom manipulation the biggest problem in the sport of motocross? In some ways—maybe in most ways. Blah, blah, blah. Take my word for it, “The fish stinks from the head.” Okay, don’t take my word for it, take my mother’s word (she’s the one who told me about fish, odor and the concept of permeable rottenness). No matter, you often find that the major organizations are run by men unwilling to admit that they are wrong—even though they are standing on a mountain of smelly fish.
Dyno charts: MXA dynos every bike that we test. Sounds scientific doesn’t it? To the geek in all of us, it is the fairest way to scientifically test the power of an engine. That’s true, if you are racing your CRF450 on a set of rollers that are sloshing through a tank of water. The great thing about dyno readings is that they present both sides of the story. First, test riders can use them of confirm exactly what they felt—and have a nifty piece of graph paper as proof. Second, they can contradict what the test riders felt—in which case that nifty sheet of graph paper can quite easily be crumpled up and thrown in the waste basket. Until dynos go to the starting line, they are a tool, nothing more.
I’M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHEN THE STARTING GATES OF A MOTOCROSS RACES FIRST BEGAN TO LOOK LIKE THE GRADUATION PHOTO FROM CLOWN COLLEGE.
Motocross gear: I’m not exactly sure when the starting gate of a motocross race first began to look like the graduation photo from Clown College, but I’m guessing Jeff Emig is somehow responsible. What are the clothing designers thinking? I let the consumer off the hook on this one because, as you know, their fashion sense includes wearing wool stocking caps in midsummer (talk about the fish stinking from the head). Does a pair of riding pants in red/yellow/blue paisley really fit in a sport whose founders wore animal skins? If I want to take a Rohrshach test I’ll visit a shrink.
Sound: There is no doubt that bikes need to be quieter and I have a plan. What the motorcycle industry needs to do is spend millions of dollars on an advertising campaign. It would have to have a catchy slogan like “Less Sound=More Ground.” All the magazines could run free public service announcements, bumper stickers would have to be printed and the AMA would be required to get behind the movement. I can’t believe no one thought of this before. If only we had been smart enough to do this 40 years ago, bikes would be quiet today.
Modern pros: It is often said that drug abuse is robbing the nation of its brightest and best. Hardly! Drug abuse is nature’s way of culling the herd (much like lions are responsible for keeping the average speed of gazelles as high as possible). And the same holds true for the current crop of teenage AMA pros. They are responsible for lots of good things: They aren’t clogging up America’s schools. They keep Bentley dealers in business. For a bunch of guys who don’t have to be anywhere in particular on time, they are responsible for Rolex’s healthy stock portfolio. They keep the overstock of really ugly mag wheels to a minimum and they make team managers earn their salaries.
THE FRUSTRATIONS OF PARENTAL INTERFERENCE LED ONE UNNAMED TEAM MANAGER (ROGER DECOSTER) TO SAY THAT IN THE FUTURE, “I’M ONLY GOING TO HIRE RIDERS FROM ORPHANAGES.”
Good old dad: Factory riders in their teens come with parents (actually vice versa). Every kid needs the guidance of his parents. And, as it turns out, so do the team managers they ride for. The frustrations of parental interference led one unnamed team manager (Roger DeCoster) to say that in the future, “I’m only going to hire riders from orphanages.” I say poppycock! What could be more charming than a factory semi littered with wives, girlfriends, manfriends, babies, fathers, uncles and aunts. It’s not like it’s a workplace or anything.
Television: A good television network has to find something to hang its hat on. For MTV it was music videos, for MSNB it was communism and for Fox it was interchangeable blondes. Today, you’re likely to find more racing on MTV than music. It turns out that there is no money in playing pre-canned videos, so they went to game shows, reality TV and talking heads. For Peacock it is cutting away just before something interesting happens. All the former race anthology TV shows discovered the same thing. Why waste time with cars, boats, planes, snowmobiles and motorcycles when you can have NASCAR pre-race shows that last longer than a 500-mile race (and they aren’t even showing the race).
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