By Jody Weisel

I’ve been fast and I’ve been slow and I’m here to tell you that the difference between the two is only in the quality of my friends. When you’re fast you have tons of hangers-on and wanna-be’s. When you are slow you are surrounded by a lot less people, but they are true friends.  When you are on top it is easy to be seduced by fame. Your every utterance has significance and everything you do is scrutinized. You are the center of attention; an object of devotion to some and jealousy to others. And the worst thing is that you lose the freedom to tell the truth. Every champion becomes a bold-faced liar during his time in the limelight. And, magically, when the fame fades, the ability to tell the truth returns—but nobody wants to hear it from you anymore.  To avoid all of this confusion I have developed a motocross interview lie detector. Here is what they say and what they mean.
* * * *
“How does it feel to clinch the title?”
“This is the culmination of my career. I set this goal when I first started racing and now I’ve finally achieved it.”
I really wanted to race Formula 1, but would have settled for CART, NASCAR, World of Outlaws, Tour de France or World Rally, but I guess I have to settle for this title.
* * * * *
“Did you know that your closest competitor crashed out on lap three?”
“That was sad. I really wanted him to be up there racing with me for the title. Winning doesn’t mean as much to me as close racing.”
Translation: Yeah, I knew he crashed out when they flashed it on my pit board on lap four. I never felt so happy in all my life.
* * * *
“Did you know how hard they were racing behind you?”
“Those guys are hard chargers. I knew they would never give up. I’m just lucky to beat them.”
Translation: Do you think I have eyes in the back of my head. I didn’t have a clue about what was going on behind me.
* * * *
“How does it feel to wrestle the title away from the past champion?”
“Awesome. He has been a great champion and a great ambassador for the sport.”
I hate that guy’s guts. He’s been sticking it to me for last five years and I hope he chokes on losing.
* * * *
“What did you think when you heard that the series favorite broke his collarbone last weekend?”
“I hate to see anyone get hurt. The series is going to miss him. The racing won’t be the same without him.”
Translation: The series will be a lot better without him. He was a dirty rider and had a bad attitude. I hate to see anyone but him get hurt.
* * * *
“What do you think about the large number of foreign riders who have moved over here to contest the series?”
“I welcome them. We have the greatest racers in the world here. The more the merrier.”
Does anyone have Homeland Security’s phone number?
* * * *
“What do you say to critics who say that professional motocross racers are overpaid?”
“I asked them when was the last time they saw a professional golfer high-side at 50 mph.”
I’m not overpaid, but those guys I’ve been beating every week are.
* * * *
“A lot of the riders claimed that this week’s track was too one-line. What do you think?”
“We all have to race on the same track.”
I got the holeshot. I’m glad it was one-line.
* * * *
“Is there any truth to the rumor that you might be switching teams next year for twice the money?”
“I’m just taking it one race at a time right now. When the season’s over I’ll start thinking about next year.”
Translation: I’d race for Briggs and Stratton for twice the money.
* * * *
“Is there anyone that you’d like to thank for your phenomenal year?”
“I couldn’t have done it without the team behind me. They provided me with everything I needed to win the title.”
Mostly I’d like to thank my broker for getting me Google at $99 a share.

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